Would you make a good Pakatan politician? — Paul Chow

OCT 31 — In the interest of discourse, I thought I'd work on the contrary of an article I read recently on whether one would make a good Umno politician.

Would I make a good Pakatan politician?

1. I am a member of PKR. DAP has come to an important ideological juncture with PAS on the other side of the road. In front of all 3 of us is the all-important Hudud issue that threatens to tear our cozy little coalition apart. What do we do?

a) Stick to our respective principles and disband the good ol' coalition we had going.

b) Agree to change respective party constitutions to allow/disallow Hudud implementation to have coherent ideological consensus.

c) "Agree to disagree" and maintain respective party constitutions on this fractious issue in the interests of power regardless of the possible repercussions if indeed Pakatan did come into power.

2. I am a member of DAP. My party wants to form a shadow cabinet so that we appear to be a credible alternative to Barisan Nasional, and so the electorate will know exactly who we're voting for. On top of that, there are benefits to having a shadow cabinet. We'll know exactly who's in charge of replying Ministers in Parliament, sitting in during selected Ministerial briefings, access to the civil service on the back of being absolutely ready from the get go when we come in power. But unfortunately, we can't due to a lack of political consensus. What do we do?

a) Sit down at the discussion table, hash it out and finally come up with a list to take to the electorate and Parliament.

b) Be honest to the Rakyat and say that we're unable to come up with one due to lack of ideological consensus and maintain that a shadow committee is the best we can do

c) Pretend that the lack of a shadow cabinet is not an issue and that the shadow committee is adequate. Allow the few good politicians we have to answer on a myriad of issues, disregarding the respective portfolios held by the shadow committee. Allow respective cabinet portfolios to only be an issue when we come into power. Fractiousness then not an issue. Power is key.

3. I am a member of PAS. To allow us to constructively debate the government budget & allow us to propose our own set of policies, we come up with our own very own shadow budget. In our shadow budget, what do we do?

a) Propose to break away from our low-wage/low-productivity shackles by embracing policies that will allow us to get there.

b) Maintain that subsidies perpetuate our suppressed wage environment but maintain it for time-being due to high inflation. Call for a more targeted implementation that will give the poor a bigger bang for their buck, instead of subsidies that also benefit the rich.

c) Call for a doubling of the subsidy bill to RM22 billion with no clear exit strategy, enlarge handouts, with no clear productivity gains and claim that the multiplier effect from these policies will be 20% greater than the present government's policies. Claim that more efficient & robust tax collection will increase revenue but vehemently oppose the GST for political mileage disregarding the studies showing it as the best option moving forward to increase efficiency of tax collection. Leave no clear timeline for implementation with figures that have no basis in reality, but criticize government figures for that reason. Then go ceramah.

4. I am a member of the DAP. The Chief Minister of Penang's son has been slandered by bloggers online. What do I maintain my party must do?

a) Call for no family members of Pakatan Rakyat or Barisan Nasional be dragged into gutter politics, and maintain that only issues and policies will be discussed.

b) Call for no family members of Pakatan Rakyat or Barisan Nasional be dragged into gutter politics, but with one caveat; when issues of public interest are discussed.

c) Call for no family members of Pakatan Rakyat or Barisan Nasional be dragged into gutter politics, but whack the Prime Minister's and other Ministers family members every opportunity you get. Go on a nation-wide ceramah slandering the Prime Minister's wife, accusing her of everything from murder to Hermes handbags. His son and daughter are also fair game- including a young girl's marriage to the man she loves. But scream gutter politics when tables are turned.

5. I am a member of PKR. A church in Selangor has recently been raided by the state's religious authority, JAIS. My colleague from PAS who's the EXCO in charge of the state's religious department claims that they were prostletysing to Muslims, which is against my country's Federal Constitution. What do I do?

a) Call for all quarters to relax and wait for the report to come out. No stands. Ensure that the report comes out quickly as to deal with this issue as quickly as possible so everyone can move on.

b) Take a stand against break-in by JAIS and call for state authority to be more firm with them as its under the state jurisdiction. Apologise as head of state to all church-goers at the event. Respect religious freedom.

c) Maintain that although JAIS is under the state's authority, Umno infiltrated them and forced them to conduct said raid on church. Take absolutely no responsibility for it, but continue to pass the buck. Whack UMNO for impinging religious freedom in front of liberal church-goers, but in front of rural Muslims promise that Pakatan will protect the sanctity of the religion.

6. Its 2008. BN has suffered its worst-ever electoral defeat. They have lost 5 states, and their two-thirds majority for only the second time. What do I do as Pakatan Rakyat?

a) Respect the election result and vow to work harder next year.

b) Ensure that the EC works hard to clear any irregularities from that election and respect the election result.

c) Promise to takeover the federal government by luring 30 BN MPs to cross-over. Give an exact timeline; that of September 16. Promise a new dawn for everyone. Don't make that deadline, collectively letting-down party members and some in the middle. Scream that BN didn't allow democratic crossovers to happen by 'bribing' own MPs to stay. When same scenario repeated itself in Perak 6 months later, whack BN for being undemocratic.

7. I am the unelected leader of the federal opposition. I am in court for allegedly sodomising my former personal aide. What do I do?

a) I hire a good lawyer, testify in court and respect the court's decision.

b) I call the court's independence and neutrality into question, but still testify and go thru the court's processes.

c) I choose to give an unsworn statement to the court, not allowing any of the prosecutors to cross-examine me regardless of me being right. Instead, call for the PM and his wife to be cross-examined by the defence, disregarding the sophistry I've just employed and will claim that the judiciary is compromised if they don't. If convicted, will attack the judiciary for being biased.

8. I am the Chief Minister of Penang. There is an alleged audio recording of me saying that if foreign investors invest in one of my fellow Malaysian states, they are likely to be kidnapped. What do I do?

a) I admit that it was me and that it was wrong of me to do so. I apologise to all parties involved.

b) I call that state's crime statistics into question, and say concerted efforts must be made to reduce crime there. I apologise for my comments.

c) I first deny that it was me and claim that Umno bloggers are trying to defame me. After the audio recording's in public domain, I maintain that I was saying it in my private capacity, regardless of it being in a function where I'm hosted as the Chief Minister. I'm then told that the Sultan of that state isn't too happy with my statements. I then apologise to Tuanku unreservedly. I maintain that Johor's crime rate is very high and do not apologise to other concerned parties. I continue my beggar-thy-neighbour policy at the expense of fellow Malaysian states.

9. I am the Chief Minister of Selangor. A State Assemblyman has voiced out his opinion about an issue related to the party to the media. What do I do?

a) Respect his right to have an opinion that might differ from the party stand,

b) Question why he's doing it to the media, but respect his right to a stand.

c) Institute a 'gag order' to all party members to bar them from talking about this specific issue. Allow rumours to float that said Assemblyman has been bought over by the ruling coalition. Ensure that the only opinion that comes out is the party line. No room for individualism here.

10. How do I make it as a politician in Pakatan?

a) Intellectual and principled.

b) A loud populist.

c) Related to one of the undemocratically self-appointed leaders of Pakatan. Some say God-Sent.

How did you do?

Mostly A's: I'm sorry, you'll never make it as a politician in Pakatan.

Mostly B's: You're on the way there, but still need some sprucing up before you join Pakatan.

Mostly C's: Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule to read this YB. Which Pakatan party are you from?

* Paul Chow reads The Malaysian Insider.

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication, and does not necessarily represent the views of The Malaysian Insider.

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